The Therapist (Prior to 200 dates)
Our meeting is the result of an internet dating website. We shared some great emails and a really funny phone call and we decided to meet at a bookstore café. I was definitely excited, but was running about five minutes late. I got a text that she was already there. I walked in and spotted the face that sort of resembled her online picture. She stood up to greet me and she brought with her some extra weight. I gave her a hug just to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me and then I don’t know what came over me, but I started patting her down. I probably had been watching too many cop shows at the time. She looked like she put on a lot of weight compared to her internet photos. I know I’m mean, but we’re talking about 40 pounds, it’s not like she gained a few pounds over the holidays, it’s more like being 8 months pregnant.
I am out anyway so I am going to try to have fun, despite her gross misrepresentation. We start chatting about her practice and some of her patients. She doesn’t give any names, but says she has worked with several A- list stars. It was pretty interesting and I kept prodding as if I worked for US Weekly. Then out of the blue, she blasts me with, “Do you have any coke?” No, not coke, as in regular or diet, but coke as in cocaine. The first thought that raced through my mind was, for Christ sake I am wearing a sweater vest, what about me screams coke-head? My second thought was, if she’s doing a lot of coke shouldn’t she be thinner? I’m sorry, but my inner monologue is very critical. I can’t help it. I broke the bad news to her when I told her, “I didn’t have any on hand, but I know a guy and smirked.” I really didn’t know a guy, but I had such a curiosity to see where this was headed and without hesitation she excitedly responds with, “Really, let’s go.” After that I lost it a bit and said, “I’m just joking. Why is a rehab therapist trying to score coke AND I just met you ten minutes ago, who brings that up to a complete stranger?” She tells me she was just checking to make sure I didn’t have any issues. I asked if she had any other tests for me. Should I run a forty-yard dash or see how many pushups I could do? She laughs, but then goes into interrogation mode. If I’d have given her my social security number I’m sure she would have done a background check on me. The questions were so pointed and aggressive I felt like I was answering her marriage checklist. For example: “How many kids do I want? Do I want a big wedding? How many people have I been with? What was my longest relationship? Why did we break up, and it went on and on. There was no conversation, just a series of questions that could be characterized as an inquisition. I felt so violated after the date I felt like taking a shower like Ace Ventura after he realizes he just kissed a man.
After her marriage test she asked me if I had any questions for her. So I ask how have your dates been going so far? She goes on a rant how everybody she meets is crazy and it so hard to find someone sane. I started feeling bad for her and then she starts in again asking about my relationship with my mother. I had to stop her right there. Exasperated I explained, “Hey, this is just a first date, I’m not ready for all the questions. I feel like I should be lying on a couch and paying you an obscene amount of money. If you look for crazy you will find it in everyone. Imagine if I asked you all these questions. You would look at me like I’m a lunatic.” She then chimes in with, “Are you calling me a lunatic?” I just put my hands on my head and I wanted to say yes, but I tried to be nice and ten minutes later I thank her for a nice time. After the date I sat in my car and ironically I felt like I needed some therapy.