A Fat Hammock filled with Hope

front bumDate # 41: A Fat Hammock filled with Hope

The picture is way off, but I wanted to give you a visual. My date requests meeting me at a bar that I have never been to and will never go again. It is one of those bars that have been around for 50 years and the carpet and neon décor has never been changed. The smell of stale beer and old people fill the air and as I took three steps into the bar, she was waiting for me.  She stood up and I gave her a once over, then a twice over, and finally a thrice over. I couldn’t figure out her jeans. I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or if they were super jeans. These unbelievable mom jeans ran up right to the base of her ribs. She was a little overweight (being kind) and the jeans created a fat hammock. It was awesome! Honestly, it was just breathtaking. I wanted to rub it like one giant boob. Her internet photo must have been from 1995.

She was excited and you could see it all over her face. She started talking and I had the sense that there wasn’t going to be a back and forth conversation. She was going to tell me about her entire life and when she was done, the date would end. She started off describing her job which she said she has revolutionized social networking for the water district. Really, I can’t imagine the water district being a social networking destination, but what do I know. Then she made a strong move by taking the conversation to an unthinkable place. She just jumped right into childbirth. It was so seamless, a water district discussion effortlessly transitioned into water breaking. I was impressed with her segue and no announcer could have done it better. The genius of bringing up a child birth conversation three minutes into a first date can’t be topped. She went into so much detail I was horrified and all the while checking her phone every 5 minutes. She pulled it out and started showing me pictures of her company’s website and her three children. It was starting to become unbearable. It felt like I was visiting my grandparents.

As I try to avert my thoughts away from child birth and my eyes away from her phone, I notice her tooth. I had to question why it took me 30 minutes to notice the huge dead tooth staring at me. This black death was right in front, top row and center stage. I couldn’t stop looking until the amazing happened. She stopped talking.  We had a few drinks and chatted about her kids and her ex husband and every other conversation taboo to be avoided. The whole time I stared at that tooth. It was mesmerizing in an uncomfortable way. The date ended uneventfully until I started driving home and I had an epiphany. This wasn’t just a date, but a story of hope. This woman had three kids, a bad eighties haircut with the bangs teased up, a giant fat hammock, an unhealthy phone obsession, and the craziest looking tooth I have ever seen and she was out looking for love.  She is just as optimistic and deserving as anyone else and that date was a gift. It showed me we all deserve someone. She wasn’t my present of hope, wrapped up in mom jeans and topped off with a dead tooth bow, but she will be for someone and I might find someone too.

Categories: Bad Date Stories

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