Date #113 – Almost Hero Sex
This is a second date with this girl and we decide to go to a pizza/brewery joint. They serve decent deep dish pizza and have a great beer selection. We order and are waiting for our food, chit chatting and I’m watching a mother and two daughters in the booth adjacent to us. I notice one of the girls struggling to breath. She is chocking and no one at her table has noticed yet. I stop in the middle of my sentence, slide out of the booth and stand up ready to give her the Heimlich maneuver. She is still chocking and so I take a step over and before I grab her she is finally able to clear her throat.
After a sigh of relief, I try to avoid any attention and I slither back into my seat. My date kept on talking like she didn’t even notice I got up. I don’t think she even paused for a moment. The mother interrupts us to say thank you. I smiled and said I didn’t do anything. She just said thank you again and sat back down. That was so nice and it made me feel so good even though I really didn’t do anything. My inability to accept a compliment made me feel awkward and so I joke to my date about how I’m almost a hero and that Almost Hero Man would make a great super hero character. Someone who almost saves the day but doesn’t. There should be an almost hero wall of fame somewhere and I should almost get a free desert. Like 30% off for almost doing something. My date kept emphatically informing me that I wasn’t a hero and that I didn’t do anything. How dare she rain on my parade? Feeling insulted, I went on a rant comparing myself to superman and if she played her cards right she might get some almost hero sex, Lois Lain style. I said it with a great deal of charm in my head. She let me know that wasn’t going to happen. After an enjoyable meal and date, we left the restaurant and the woman and daughter said thanks as we left. I said no problem and I gave her some of my immense wisdom when I tell her to chew more. My date turns and says oh great here we go, and tells the woman not to inflate my ego. From that point on I couldn’t stop beating the joke into the ground. I grabbed her and pulled her back from the curb “saving her life”, I stopped short while driving and put my arm out to “save her life” it went on and on. If she just acknowledged my almost heroic act she wouldn’t have had to suffer my ridiculous wrath of immaturity.